Today I felt like my heart broke into a million tiny pieces, pieces that will never again fit together to make a whole. Dawning realisation struck me some time mid afternoon, and the knowledge it brought almost floored me with its intensity. I caught my breath and soldiered on, no use crying over what has already past and can’t be changed. With a heavy sigh and the crashing sound of a thousand dreams dying all at once, I put on my makeup and prepared for the show, fake smiles for all, a forced laugh and another round at the bar if you please.
Caught by surprise by the knowledge I suspect I already knew, I choked down another piece of self prescribed poison and allowed myself a single moment to bathe in the glory of self pity. Shiny eyed and full of false cheer, I made my way out into the big wide outside, my bus journey seeming to drag as I made my way into town to complete the load of errands I had been given the task of completing.
I wandered through town, the revelations from earlier in the afternoon still swimming around in my head, taunting me. I gazed at the strangers pushing past me, no longer angry at their rudeness, just sad. Sad for them or me I wondered as I continued making my through the crowds. The rain continued its gentle fall throughout the afternoon, the sky grey and dull as the landscape inside me.
I returned home, my previous state of sadness now replaced with a numb disinterest. A glance at the blank screen of my phone and empty email inbox assuring me that once again, I haven’t missed anything. A sigh and a cup of tea later, I find myself wondering when the universe will let me in on the joke, or if it ever will.
Today I learned that hindsight is both a terrible and beautiful thing. Without it, I would never learn from my mistakes but I have a sneaky suspicion that it exists purely so the universe can let me know it got one over on me yet again.
A butterfly on a string, dreaming of escape, that would be me.
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